1 00:00:08,590 --> 00:00:10,590 Oh! Here, Antonio, 2 00:00:10,590 --> 00:00:13,100 let me help you with that. 3 00:00:13,100 --> 00:00:14,600 Wow. That's heavy. 4 00:00:15,100 --> 00:00:16,100 What's in here? 5 00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:18,600 All that remains of my late uncle Bernardo. 6 00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:19,600 Ah! 7 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,100 I hope we've learned 8 00:00:21,100 --> 00:00:23,610 a little something about volunteering. 9 00:00:23,610 --> 00:00:25,610 No, no. These are his personal effects. 10 00:00:25,610 --> 00:00:27,110 My family wanted me to have them. 11 00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:29,610 They always said Uncle Bernardo and I 12 00:00:29,610 --> 00:00:31,110 were alike in so many ways. 13 00:00:31,110 --> 00:00:32,120 Oh. That's sweet. 14 00:00:32,620 --> 00:00:33,620 What did he do? 15 00:00:33,620 --> 00:00:36,620 Uh, he was a poor, pathetic wretch of a man. 16 00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:39,120 He cut hair for 50 years, 17 00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:41,630 lived in one room behind his shop 18 00:00:41,620 --> 00:00:43,130 never married and died alone. 19 00:00:43,630 --> 00:00:45,130 I don't know if you look like him 20 00:00:45,130 --> 00:00:47,130 but you sure got the lifestyle down. 21 00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:50,130 Well, let's see what priceless family heirlooms 22 00:00:50,130 --> 00:00:51,130 I've inherited. 23 00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:54,640 Some old letters... 24 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,140 Ah. His old arch supports... 25 00:00:58,140 --> 00:01:00,140 Oh. They're scented. 26 00:01:00,140 --> 00:01:01,650 You're right. 27 00:01:08,650 --> 00:01:11,150 No. No, Antonio, the letters. 28 00:01:11,150 --> 00:01:14,660 And lovely handwriting, signed "con amore." 29 00:01:14,660 --> 00:01:17,160 Apparently your uncle was having quite an affair 30 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,160 with some woman named "Gina." 31 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:20,160 No way. 32 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:21,670 Yeah. 33 00:01:21,660 --> 00:01:23,170 Let me see that. 34 00:01:23,170 --> 00:01:26,670 "G. Lollobrigida"? 35 00:01:26,670 --> 00:01:28,170 Oh, my God! 36 00:01:28,170 --> 00:01:29,670 Gina! 37 00:01:29,670 --> 00:01:31,170 Gina Lollobrigida! 38 00:01:31,170 --> 00:01:34,180 These are love letters from Gina Lollobrigida! 39 00:01:34,180 --> 00:01:35,680 When I was growing up, 40 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:38,180 she did make a movie in the next town 41 00:01:38,180 --> 00:01:40,180 and Bernardo used to go and watch. 42 00:01:40,180 --> 00:01:41,690 What's going on? 43 00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:42,690 Well, 44 00:01:42,690 --> 00:01:45,190 it seems my Uncle Bernardo 45 00:01:45,190 --> 00:01:48,190 was having an affair with Gina Lollobrigida. 46 00:01:48,190 --> 00:01:50,190 ( wheezing laugh ) 47 00:01:50,190 --> 00:01:53,200 Your uncle and the sexiest movie star in Italy? 48 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,700 Well, I'm not surprised. 49 00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:58,200 Did I ever tell you about my mom and Warren Beatty? 50 00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:02,210 That's still going on, you know. 51 00:02:07,710 --> 00:02:09,710 Oh, did I ever tell y'all 52 00:02:09,710 --> 00:02:11,710 about the time that Michael Dukakis 53 00:02:12,220 --> 00:02:13,220 was running for president 54 00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:15,220 and his cousin, Olympia Dukakis 55 00:02:15,220 --> 00:02:16,720 came into this very airport 56 00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:19,220 sat on that very stool and said 57 00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:20,720 "Great cup of coffee." 58 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:22,230 "Are you sure you're not Greek?" 59 00:02:22,230 --> 00:02:24,230 I told you that already? 60 00:02:24,230 --> 00:02:26,230 Look, we live on this little island. 61 00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:28,230 We see each other every day. 62 00:02:28,230 --> 00:02:29,230 Let's face it: 63 00:02:29,230 --> 00:02:30,730 We have absolutely nothing new 64 00:02:30,730 --> 00:02:31,730 to tell each other. 65 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:33,240 Hey, Joe. 66 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,240 Oh, Helen, did I tell you we got 67 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:37,240 the neighbors' mail by mistake? 68 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:37,740 Really?! 69 00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:38,740 Sit right down. 70 00:02:38,740 --> 00:02:40,240 Tell us all about it. 71 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:43,750 Well, okay. I guess it is pretty interesting. 72 00:02:43,750 --> 00:02:45,750 Well, it all started out this morning 73 00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:48,250 when I went out to get the mail. 74 00:02:48,250 --> 00:02:51,250 The first letter I opened was from the electric company 75 00:02:51,250 --> 00:02:55,260 and I thought, we do not average 80 kilowatt-hours a month. 76 00:02:55,260 --> 00:02:56,760 Then I realized... 77 00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:01,260 ...it was a two-month bill. 78 00:03:02,770 --> 00:03:04,770 So she thought you were Greek, huh? 79 00:03:04,770 --> 00:03:05,770 Those were her very words. 80 00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:07,270 Sat right there. 81 00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:08,770 Wait, wait, you didn't let me get to the best part. 82 00:03:09,270 --> 00:03:11,780 Really? You mean you can top that kilowatt thing? 83 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:13,780 Well, listen, I took the mail over to the neighbors, 84 00:03:13,780 --> 00:03:14,780 we got to talking. 85 00:03:14,780 --> 00:03:16,280 They seemed like nice people 86 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,280 so I invited them over to dinner tonight. 87 00:03:18,780 --> 00:03:20,280 That's great. That's a good idea. 88 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:22,290 I want to get to know our neighbors 89 00:03:22,290 --> 00:03:24,290 and do all that great neighbor stuff, 90 00:03:24,290 --> 00:03:25,790 like having them borrow our lawn mower 91 00:03:25,790 --> 00:03:28,790 or feed our dog, or watch our kids. 92 00:03:28,790 --> 00:03:29,790 FAY: I have a nice neighbor, 93 00:03:29,790 --> 00:03:31,790 Old Mrs. Babcock. 94 00:03:31,790 --> 00:03:34,800 A lovely widow. We've been friends for years. 95 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:36,800 Well, at least I thought we were 96 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,800 but lately, she's been snubbing me. 97 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,300 I haven't seen or spoken to her in weeks. 98 00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:43,310 I've left messages on her machine. 99 00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:44,810 She doesn't call back. 100 00:03:44,810 --> 00:03:46,810 I pound and pound on her door, no answer. 101 00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:48,310 Newspapers are piling up. 102 00:03:48,810 --> 00:03:50,810 The TV is on 24 hours a day 103 00:03:50,810 --> 00:03:53,320 like she can't just get up and... 104 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:02,330 Excuse me. 105 00:04:03,830 --> 00:04:04,830 Hello, there. 106 00:04:04,830 --> 00:04:05,830 What's up? 107 00:04:05,830 --> 00:04:07,330 Oh, nothing much. 108 00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:08,830 I met the people who live next door. 109 00:04:08,830 --> 00:04:10,830 Yeah, he invited them over for dinner. 110 00:04:10,830 --> 00:04:12,840 Oh, no. No, no. Big mistake. Big mistake. 111 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:14,840 You get too friendly with your neighbors, 112 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:16,840 you never get rid of them. 113 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,340 Here, observe: 114 00:04:18,340 --> 00:04:21,340 The only correct way to greet a neighbor, all right? 115 00:04:22,350 --> 00:04:23,850 Yeah. 116 00:04:23,850 --> 00:04:26,350 Well, Brian, they're coming over. That's it. 117 00:04:26,350 --> 00:04:27,850 Well, I mean, I live there, too, you know. 118 00:04:28,350 --> 00:04:29,850 Don't make me put my foot down. 119 00:04:29,850 --> 00:04:31,850 Put your foot down? 120 00:04:31,850 --> 00:04:32,860 All I'm saying is... 121 00:04:32,860 --> 00:04:34,360 No, no. Listen-- 122 00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:35,860 you are a guest in my house. 123 00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:36,860 You have no say. 124 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,360 You have no foot. 125 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:38,860 But... 126 00:04:38,860 --> 00:04:41,360 You have no "but." 127 00:04:41,860 --> 00:04:44,870 Uh, Joe, I'll be back in about an hour. 128 00:04:44,870 --> 00:04:46,370 Where you going? 129 00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:51,370 I have to go downtown and... identify something. 130 00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:59,880 And Ms. Olympia Dukakis sat right there, 131 00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:01,380 and she said, "Great cup of coffee." 132 00:05:01,380 --> 00:05:02,890 are you sure you're not Greek? 133 00:05:02,890 --> 00:05:05,390 ( laughing ) 134 00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:09,890 That's wonderful. 135 00:05:11,390 --> 00:05:13,900 Barbara, I've got to tell you something-- 136 00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:16,900 this is the best peach cobbler I have ever had. 137 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:18,400 Oh, please call me Babs. 138 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,900 And I have a teensy confession to make: 139 00:05:20,900 --> 00:05:23,410 I found out peach cobbler was your favorite 140 00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:26,410 form your lovely wife, who's just a peach herself. 141 00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:27,910 Oh, stop. 142 00:05:27,910 --> 00:05:28,910 Thanks, Babs. 143 00:05:28,910 --> 00:05:30,410 More coffee? 144 00:05:30,410 --> 00:05:31,410 Love some! Love some! 145 00:05:31,410 --> 00:05:32,420 Oh! Oh! 146 00:05:32,420 --> 00:05:34,420 ( laughing ) 147 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,420 Oh, Brian, hey. 148 00:05:38,420 --> 00:05:40,920 Uh, Steve, Barbara, this is my brother, Brian. 149 00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:41,920 Hi, brian. Hi, brian. 150 00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:44,430 Yeah. 151 00:05:45,930 --> 00:05:46,930 He seems nice. 152 00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:48,430 Yes, he does. 153 00:05:48,430 --> 00:05:50,430 Well, look, we hate to call it an evening 154 00:05:50,430 --> 00:05:53,440 but we've got to kind of get up early tomorrow, so... 155 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,940 Thank you for such a wonderful time. 156 00:05:55,940 --> 00:05:58,440 That Dukakis story is a killer. 157 00:05:58,440 --> 00:05:59,940 STEVE: Oh, geez, I almost forgot. 158 00:05:59,940 --> 00:06:01,440 Uh, in case of an emergency, 159 00:06:01,940 --> 00:06:04,950 um, we'd like you guys to have a set of our keys. 160 00:06:05,950 --> 00:06:07,450 Oh, oh. Okay. Are you sure? 161 00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:10,450 Joe, yeah. Sure, we'll take your keys. 162 00:06:10,450 --> 00:06:11,450 Great. 163 00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:16,960 And, uh, now, how about yours? 164 00:06:18,460 --> 00:06:19,460 Ou-Ours..? 165 00:06:19,460 --> 00:06:20,960 Oh. I mean, I guess... 166 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:22,470 Well, we totally understand. 167 00:06:22,470 --> 00:06:25,470 I mean, if you don't, you know... trust us... yet. 168 00:06:25,470 --> 00:06:27,470 Oh, no. No, of course. 169 00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:29,470 Let me... let me get you a set. 170 00:06:29,470 --> 00:06:31,470 Well, if you can't trust your neighbors.... 171 00:06:31,470 --> 00:06:32,980 STEVE: That's right! 172 00:06:32,980 --> 00:06:34,480 Terrific. Buddy. 173 00:06:34,980 --> 00:06:35,480 Big guy. 174 00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:36,480 Come here. 175 00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:39,480 Helen. 176 00:06:39,980 --> 00:06:41,480 And you come here. Come on. 177 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:43,490 Babs. 178 00:06:43,490 --> 00:06:43,990 Night. 179 00:06:43,990 --> 00:06:44,990 Bye-bye. 180 00:06:44,990 --> 00:06:45,990 Good night. Take care. 181 00:06:45,990 --> 00:06:46,990 Thanks again. 182 00:06:47,990 --> 00:06:49,990 Joe! We have neighbors! 183 00:06:49,990 --> 00:06:50,990 Yes, we sure do. 184 00:06:50,990 --> 00:06:54,500 You think it was just a little weird, though, 185 00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:55,500 that we exchanged keys? 186 00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:56,500 I mean, we just met them. 187 00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:58,000 Joe, I know these people. 188 00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,500 They're honest people. 189 00:06:59,500 --> 00:07:01,000 They're good people. 190 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,510 They're people that appreciate 191 00:07:02,510 --> 00:07:04,010 a good Dukakis story. 192 00:07:04,010 --> 00:07:05,510 Yeah, I guess you're right. 193 00:07:05,510 --> 00:07:07,010 Anyway, it's like Steve said-- 194 00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:09,010 it's only in case of an emergency. 195 00:07:09,010 --> 00:07:10,010 Oh! Geez. 196 00:07:10,010 --> 00:07:11,510 Oh, honey. 197 00:07:11,510 --> 00:07:13,520 Darn it. I just bought these pants. 198 00:07:14,020 --> 00:07:16,520 Take 'em off, and I'll just throw 'em in the washer. 199 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,020 ( key turns in lock ) 200 00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:19,020 oh. 201 00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:20,020 Uh... 202 00:07:23,030 --> 00:07:24,530 We almost forgot. 203 00:07:24,530 --> 00:07:26,030 Uh, tomorrow night. Our place. 204 00:07:26,030 --> 00:07:27,030 8:00 sharp. 205 00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:28,030 Don't be late. 206 00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:29,030 Giddy-up, big guy. 207 00:07:29,030 --> 00:07:30,030 ( clicks tongue ) 208 00:07:42,550 --> 00:07:45,050 So, uh... we're on for tomorrow? 209 00:07:45,050 --> 00:07:46,550 I can't believe I'm going out with a man 210 00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:48,050 I just met in a cab. 211 00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:50,550 Yeah, but you never met a Scarpacci before. 212 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:55,560 A domani. 213 00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:58,060 Ciao. 214 00:08:02,570 --> 00:08:04,570 Oh, close your mouths. 215 00:08:06,570 --> 00:08:09,070 I'm simply following in the footsteps 216 00:08:09,070 --> 00:08:10,570 of that legendary lover... 217 00:08:11,070 --> 00:08:12,580 Uncle Bernardo. 218 00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:17,580 It's all in the genes, baby. 219 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:20,080 Uncle Bernardo had it, I've got it, 220 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:23,090 and tomorrow night... 221 00:08:23,090 --> 00:08:25,090 I'm giving it away. 222 00:08:28,590 --> 00:08:32,600 Ah! Joey, guess where we're going tonight. 223 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:36,600 ( playing blues lick ) 224 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,100 Our separate ways? 225 00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:41,100 No. I've got four tickets to the blues festival 226 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,110 in Boston tonight, so what do you say-- 227 00:08:43,110 --> 00:08:44,610 you, me, Casey, and Helen go... 228 00:08:44,610 --> 00:08:46,110 Sorry, but Helen and I 229 00:08:46,110 --> 00:08:48,110 are doing something with the neighbors. 230 00:08:48,110 --> 00:08:49,610 Two nights in a row? 231 00:08:49,610 --> 00:08:51,110 No, you can't do this, Joe. 232 00:08:51,110 --> 00:08:52,620 You cannot do this. 233 00:08:52,620 --> 00:08:53,620 You're turning into a suburban geek. 234 00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:57,620 You're one step away from hosting a Tupperware party. 235 00:08:57,620 --> 00:08:59,120 ( knock at door ) 236 00:08:59,620 --> 00:09:01,620 Hiya, buddy boy. 237 00:09:01,620 --> 00:09:03,130 Hey, Steve, come on in. 238 00:09:03,130 --> 00:09:04,630 Oh, hi, Brian. 239 00:09:05,630 --> 00:09:07,630 ( grunting ): Yeah. 240 00:09:09,130 --> 00:09:11,630 He's okay. 241 00:09:11,630 --> 00:09:12,640 Hey, what's up, man? 242 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,140 Well, uh, I know we're on for tonight 243 00:09:15,140 --> 00:09:16,640 and everything, but, uh... 244 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:20,140 well, I just couldn't wait to give you this. 245 00:09:20,140 --> 00:09:21,640 Wow! 246 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:23,150 CDs! 247 00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:24,150 Mm-hmm. 248 00:09:25,650 --> 00:09:28,650 "Peaches and Herb"! 249 00:09:30,650 --> 00:09:32,160 This is so great. 250 00:09:32,150 --> 00:09:34,660 Hey, listen, if there's ever something I can do for you... 251 00:09:34,660 --> 00:09:36,660 Oh, come on, please. That's not what this is about. 252 00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,160 Don't worry about it. Oh, great, Well, okay, then, 253 00:09:38,660 --> 00:09:40,160 I guess I'll see you... Well, maybe there is something. 254 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,660 Sure. If there's something I can help you with. 255 00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:44,670 I need five grand by Tuesday. 256 00:09:44,670 --> 00:09:46,170 Wha-What? 257 00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:48,670 How did I get in so deep? 258 00:09:48,670 --> 00:09:50,170 Oh! 259 00:09:50,170 --> 00:09:52,170 I'm weak! I'm weak! That's what it... 260 00:09:52,170 --> 00:09:53,180 I'm sorry, man. 261 00:09:53,180 --> 00:09:55,680 I don't want to lay this on you, really. 262 00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:57,180 Okay. Well... 263 00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:58,680 thanks for the CDs. 264 00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:01,180 It's, uh... it's gambling, Joe. 265 00:10:01,180 --> 00:10:04,690 I got myself a little problem with the ponies. 266 00:10:04,690 --> 00:10:07,190 Well, that... sounds really bad. 267 00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:08,190 Hey, hey... 268 00:10:08,690 --> 00:10:10,190 don't you judge me, man. 269 00:10:10,690 --> 00:10:11,690 Okay? 270 00:10:11,690 --> 00:10:12,700 Listen, I just think 271 00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:14,700 that maybe you should talk to Barbara. 272 00:10:14,700 --> 00:10:15,700 Barbara? No! 273 00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:18,200 Are you crazy? Barbara? 274 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,700 If Barbara found out, she'd leave me. 275 00:10:20,700 --> 00:10:22,210 Don't you understand? 276 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,710 You're the only one in the world I can turn to. 277 00:10:24,710 --> 00:10:27,710 Okay, listen, Steve, I can sympathize with your dilemma... 278 00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:29,710 Yeah, here comes the big "but", right? Okay. 279 00:10:29,710 --> 00:10:32,220 No, no, no. No "buts"... 280 00:10:32,210 --> 00:10:34,720 but with the new house and all the expenses... 281 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,220 Yeah, right. Okay, look-- 282 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:39,220 I'm gonna be fine. I'm sure I can tap-dance for these goons 283 00:10:39,220 --> 00:10:40,720 a little bit longer. 284 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:43,230 I mean, it's not like we're totally out of silverware. 285 00:10:43,230 --> 00:10:45,230 I could probably melt down another spoon or two. 286 00:10:45,230 --> 00:10:46,730 That's fine. 287 00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:49,230 Okay. That sounds like a plan. 288 00:10:49,230 --> 00:10:52,230 Okay, shake it off, Stevie, shake it off. 289 00:10:52,230 --> 00:10:53,240 There you go. 290 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:54,240 ( sighing ): Okay. 291 00:10:54,740 --> 00:10:56,240 Ah, well... great. 292 00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:57,740 I'm looking forward to tonight. 293 00:10:57,740 --> 00:10:58,740 Yeah, uh, Steve... 294 00:10:58,740 --> 00:10:59,740 about tonight... 295 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,240 What about it? 296 00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:06,250 About... 8:00? 297 00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:07,750 Let's make it 7:30. 298 00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:10,250 You and me can catch the end of the game. 299 00:11:10,250 --> 00:11:13,260 I got two big ones riding on it... my legs. 300 00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:18,260 ( doorbell rings ) 301 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:23,770 I hope you don't mind-- I just saw you get home. 302 00:11:23,770 --> 00:11:25,770 I thought we could have a little tea 303 00:11:25,770 --> 00:11:27,270 and blackberry jam together. 304 00:11:27,270 --> 00:11:29,270 Oh, wow! I love blackberry jam. 305 00:11:29,270 --> 00:11:31,770 I hope you didn't go to too much trouble. 306 00:11:31,770 --> 00:11:32,780 Oh, please. 307 00:11:32,780 --> 00:11:34,280 I use the "open kettle" method. 308 00:11:34,780 --> 00:11:36,280 What's four hours out of the day? 309 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:37,280 No biggie. 310 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:38,780 Open kettle method? 311 00:11:38,780 --> 00:11:40,780 I usually just open a jar. 312 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:42,790 ( both giggling ) 313 00:11:42,790 --> 00:11:44,790 This is nice... 314 00:11:44,790 --> 00:11:46,790 Helen? Mm-hmm? 315 00:11:46,790 --> 00:11:48,790 Can I ask you something? Surely. 316 00:11:48,790 --> 00:11:50,790 How often do you and Joe have intercourse? 317 00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:57,300 Steve hasn't touched me in ten months. 318 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:00,300 Toast point? 319 00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:01,800 Thanks. 320 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:03,310 Can I get an honest opinion? 321 00:12:03,310 --> 00:12:04,810 Sure. 322 00:12:04,810 --> 00:12:06,810 You think my breasts are too small? 323 00:12:08,310 --> 00:12:11,310 Mmm... no, no, no. 324 00:12:11,310 --> 00:12:12,820 Okay, you can go ahead 325 00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:15,320 and cover those babies up now. 326 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:18,320 Now you sound like Steve. 327 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:22,320 You okay? 328 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:23,830 You seem a little nervous. 329 00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:25,330 Uh-uh. 330 00:12:25,330 --> 00:12:27,830 Oh, wait a minute... 331 00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:31,330 okay... this all makes sense now. 332 00:12:31,330 --> 00:12:35,340 You're boinkin' Steve, aren't you? 333 00:12:35,340 --> 00:12:37,340 Oh, would you listen to me? My God! 334 00:12:37,340 --> 00:12:39,840 Where would you have the time for Steve 335 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,840 what, with you and Joe going at it all the time? 336 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:43,850 What? 337 00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:45,350 Oh, I've been watching. 338 00:12:45,350 --> 00:12:48,850 I see those bedroom lights going off around 10:00 339 00:12:48,850 --> 00:12:51,850 and that glow I see isn't from the TV-- 340 00:12:52,350 --> 00:12:53,860 winky, winky. 341 00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,860 Helen, you would not believe... 342 00:12:55,860 --> 00:12:57,360 oh... hi, Babs. 343 00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,360 Hi, Joe. 344 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,360 Oh, my gosh, what am I doing sitting here? 345 00:13:00,860 --> 00:13:03,370 People are coming over for dinner in a couple of hours. 346 00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:05,370 I got to get home and baste the bird. 347 00:13:05,870 --> 00:13:08,370 Oh! Better bring your own spoons. 348 00:13:08,370 --> 00:13:10,870 I seem to be running short. 349 00:13:10,870 --> 00:13:12,880 Listen to me-- 350 00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:14,880 I know how much you like Babs... No, listen to me.... 351 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:17,880 No, no, no, listen, listen-- her husband is a psychopath 352 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:21,380 whose only redeeming quality is his taste in music. 353 00:13:21,380 --> 00:13:23,390 She is crazier than he is. 354 00:13:23,390 --> 00:13:25,390 What-- really? Are you sure? 355 00:13:25,390 --> 00:13:26,390 Trust me. I know Babs. 356 00:13:26,390 --> 00:13:28,390 I know more than I want to know about Babs. 357 00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:30,890 I know Babs' boobs. 358 00:13:30,890 --> 00:13:31,890 Okay, all right. 359 00:13:31,890 --> 00:13:33,900 That's enough information. 360 00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,900 We got to stop this dinner. 361 00:13:35,900 --> 00:13:36,900 There's no way we're spending another evening 362 00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:37,900 with these people. 363 00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,400 How are we gonna get out of it? 364 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,400 Well, I think that's pretty simple. 365 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:43,410 We just make up an excuse, and we stay home. 366 00:13:43,410 --> 00:13:44,910 No. They'll see through it. 367 00:13:45,410 --> 00:13:46,410 They watch us, Joe. 368 00:13:46,410 --> 00:13:48,910 They watch us real good. 369 00:13:48,910 --> 00:13:50,910 All right, then we'll say that you have a sick aunt, 370 00:13:50,910 --> 00:13:52,920 and we'll go spend the night in Boston. 371 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:53,920 No. We are not gonna let 372 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,420 those horrible people 373 00:13:55,420 --> 00:13:57,420 force us to spend the night away from our home. 374 00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:58,420 You know what? You're absolutely right. 375 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:00,420 We're not going to let them push us around 376 00:14:00,420 --> 00:14:01,920 and take away our dignity. 377 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:05,430 HELEN: I can't believe we are sneaking into our own house. 378 00:14:05,430 --> 00:14:06,930 How's your leg? 379 00:14:06,930 --> 00:14:08,930 It's bad, Joe. 380 00:14:08,930 --> 00:14:11,430 The Hendersons' dog really clamped on. 381 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:16,440 No, no, no! 382 00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:17,940 No lights. 383 00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:19,440 Oh, yeah. 384 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:20,940 Do you think they bought the sick aunt story? 385 00:14:20,940 --> 00:14:23,450 Yeah, sure. Why wouldn't they? 386 00:14:23,450 --> 00:14:24,950 (latch clicking) 387 00:14:24,950 --> 00:14:25,950 Freeze, scum! Right there! 388 00:14:25,950 --> 00:14:28,450 One more step and your brains are on the wall! 389 00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:29,950 Okay, on the floor, spread-eagled! 390 00:14:29,950 --> 00:14:30,950 Move it! Now! Now! Now! Now! 391 00:14:30,950 --> 00:14:32,460 Hands up where I can see 'em. 392 00:14:32,450 --> 00:14:33,960 All right, cuff 'em, Babs. 393 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:34,960 Wait a minute! Wait, don't shoot! 394 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,460 Don't shoot. It's us. 395 00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:39,460 All right, hold your fire. 396 00:14:39,460 --> 00:14:41,460 It's Helen and Joe! 397 00:14:41,460 --> 00:14:43,970 Hi, neighbors. 398 00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,470 What are you guys doing back? 399 00:14:45,470 --> 00:14:46,970 I thought you said you'd be away all night. 400 00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:49,970 Um... Uh... well... 401 00:14:49,970 --> 00:14:50,970 Good news. 402 00:14:50,970 --> 00:14:51,970 Yeah. 403 00:14:51,970 --> 00:14:53,480 Uh, Aunt Sophie died, 404 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,980 so there was no sense in hanging around. 405 00:14:55,980 --> 00:14:57,980 Uh-huh, okay. 406 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:00,480 Well, I think I know what's going on here. 407 00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:03,990 You people just wanted out of the evening, didn't you? 408 00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:05,990 There's no dead Aunt Sophie, is there? 409 00:15:05,990 --> 00:15:06,990 Well... 410 00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:08,490 Is there?! 411 00:15:08,490 --> 00:15:10,490 Listen, we're very sorry. 412 00:15:10,490 --> 00:15:11,990 We didn't mean to... 413 00:15:12,490 --> 00:15:14,000 Hey, whoa-- save it, sister, okay? 414 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:17,000 You want to be those kind of neighbors? Well, fine. 415 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,500 We can be those kind of neighbors too. 416 00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:24,010 Sweet dreams. 417 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,020 Hello, friends. 418 00:15:36,020 --> 00:15:39,020 Is the, uh, 2:00 flight from Boston on time? 419 00:15:39,020 --> 00:15:40,520 I think so. 420 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,520 Are you expecting someone? 421 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:44,530 Just a little lady who's fallen victim 422 00:15:44,530 --> 00:15:46,030 to the legendary Scarpacci charm. 423 00:15:46,030 --> 00:15:48,530 Antonio, what a beautiful watch. 424 00:15:48,530 --> 00:15:50,030 Where'd you get it? 425 00:15:50,030 --> 00:15:52,540 It's just part of the legacy left me 426 00:15:52,530 --> 00:15:54,540 by my late great Uncle Bernardo. 427 00:15:54,540 --> 00:15:56,540 There's a compartment in the back 428 00:15:56,540 --> 00:15:58,040 and it has a picture inside. 429 00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,040 Really? I didn't even notice. 430 00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:02,040 Ah, there's Uncle Bernardo. 431 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:04,550 That hound. 432 00:16:04,550 --> 00:16:07,050 Who's the guy next to him with his arm around him? 433 00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,550 My, what a handsome man. 434 00:16:09,550 --> 00:16:11,050 Oh. Look. 435 00:16:11,050 --> 00:16:13,560 There's something written on the back. 436 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:15,060 "My darling Bernardo, 437 00:16:15,060 --> 00:16:19,560 our love will last till the end of time." 438 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,570 "Forever yours, Gino." 439 00:16:26,570 --> 00:16:29,570 Let me see that. 440 00:16:29,570 --> 00:16:31,570 ( laughing ): Oh, sure. 441 00:16:31,570 --> 00:16:34,080 Your uncle was having an affair 442 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:37,080 with Gino Lollobrigida, not Gina. 443 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:38,580 ( laughing ) 444 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:43,090 Gino? 445 00:16:44,590 --> 00:16:47,090 Not Gina? 446 00:16:51,090 --> 00:16:53,600 That's... that's not as good. 447 00:17:00,100 --> 00:17:01,600 Joe. 448 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,110 Don't shoot! 449 00:17:04,110 --> 00:17:05,610 No, honey. It's just me. 450 00:17:05,610 --> 00:17:06,610 I'm sorry. I'm just tired 451 00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:08,610 from guarding the house last night. 452 00:17:09,110 --> 00:17:10,610 About 4:00 a.m., a car backfired. 453 00:17:11,110 --> 00:17:13,620 I beat the crap out of a lawn jockey. 454 00:17:13,620 --> 00:17:18,120 Oh, man, that blues festival was fantastic. 455 00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:21,620 I got the blues. 456 00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:25,130 ( scatting ) 457 00:17:25,130 --> 00:17:27,130 Yeah. 12 solid hours of songs 458 00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:29,630 about desolation, destitution, desperation. 459 00:17:29,630 --> 00:17:32,630 I didn't know whether to dance or hang myself. 460 00:17:32,630 --> 00:17:34,640 ( scatting ) 461 00:17:39,140 --> 00:17:42,650 Then, he'd do that, and I'd think, "hang myself." 462 00:17:45,650 --> 00:17:47,650 So, how was last night with Fred and Ethel? 463 00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:49,650 Brian, it was a nightmare. 464 00:17:49,650 --> 00:17:52,150 They burst through the door with shotguns, 465 00:17:52,150 --> 00:17:53,660 threw us on the ground, 466 00:17:53,660 --> 00:17:55,160 tried to cuff us and threatened our lives. 467 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:56,660 All right, all right. 468 00:17:56,660 --> 00:17:58,160 You don't have to be so snide. 469 00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,660 I was wrong about them, okay? 470 00:17:59,660 --> 00:18:01,660 No. No. Brian, she's serious. 471 00:18:01,660 --> 00:18:03,170 Those people are dangerous. 472 00:18:03,170 --> 00:18:04,670 Really? 473 00:18:04,670 --> 00:18:06,670 That-that-that sounds terrible. 474 00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:09,670 Well, I guess you might say 475 00:18:09,670 --> 00:18:15,680 You got the bad neighbor blues. 476 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:19,180 That's not helping. 477 00:18:19,180 --> 00:18:23,190 Right down to my shoes 478 00:18:23,690 --> 00:18:27,690 I got the bad neighbor blues. 479 00:18:27,690 --> 00:18:29,690 What are we going to do, Helen? 480 00:18:29,690 --> 00:18:31,690 I keep running their words 481 00:18:31,690 --> 00:18:33,700 over and over again in my mind. 482 00:18:33,700 --> 00:18:37,200 "We can be those kind of neighbors, too." 483 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,700 Only one language whackos like that understand. 484 00:18:39,700 --> 00:18:41,200 What? 485 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,710 We are going to pucker up and kiss their behinds 486 00:18:43,710 --> 00:18:45,710 until they like us again. 487 00:18:45,710 --> 00:18:48,710 Complete and total submission? 488 00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:50,210 Damn! 489 00:18:50,710 --> 00:18:51,210 What's wrong? 490 00:18:51,210 --> 00:18:52,210 Well, I'm the man. 491 00:18:52,210 --> 00:18:54,220 I should have thought of it. 492 00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:59,220 ( doorbell ringing ) 493 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,220 Okay. 494 00:19:06,230 --> 00:19:08,730 Uh, won't you come in, please? 495 00:19:08,730 --> 00:19:10,730 Your call, Steve. 496 00:19:10,730 --> 00:19:13,240 Let's play it out... wherever it goes. 497 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:16,740 Rice Krispie squares? 498 00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:20,240 I believe Barbara baked you cobbler. 499 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,750 We are wasting our time. 500 00:19:22,740 --> 00:19:23,750 No, wait a minute. 501 00:19:23,750 --> 00:19:25,250 You're our neighbors, 502 00:19:25,250 --> 00:19:28,250 and we have to figure out some way to live peaceably. 503 00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:31,250 I think maybe it's just a little too late 504 00:19:31,250 --> 00:19:33,260 for that, girlie-girl. 505 00:19:33,260 --> 00:19:35,760 Okay, all right. You know what, Steve? 506 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:37,260 I have had just about enough of this. 507 00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:39,760 Would you care to step outside and settle this like men? 508 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,260 With pleasure. Come on. 509 00:19:41,260 --> 00:19:42,770 You know something, pal, 510 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,770 I always knew one of these days 511 00:19:44,770 --> 00:19:47,270 you and me were going to go 'round and 'round. 512 00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:48,270 Come on. 513 00:19:49,770 --> 00:19:52,270 Okay. Let's get busy. 514 00:19:52,270 --> 00:19:53,280 Come on. 515 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:54,780 All right, Steve, 516 00:19:54,780 --> 00:19:56,280 I'm going to give you exactly 517 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:57,780 what it is you've been asking for. 518 00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:58,780 Great. What's that? 519 00:19:58,780 --> 00:19:59,780 Just a little something to help out 520 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:02,280 with your gambling debts. Huh? 521 00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:04,290 Wow. That's a lot of lettuce. 522 00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:05,290 Geez. 523 00:20:05,290 --> 00:20:07,290 Yes, it is. 524 00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:08,790 I don't get this. 525 00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:09,790 The other day you were saying 526 00:20:09,790 --> 00:20:11,790 you were overextended on your house. 527 00:20:11,790 --> 00:20:15,300 Or was that simply a crock of poo? 528 00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:16,300 No. 529 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:17,800 No poo. 530 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,800 I wouldn't poo you. 531 00:20:21,300 --> 00:20:23,810 Joe and I booked this romantic weekend 532 00:20:23,810 --> 00:20:25,810 at a bed and breakfast in Vermont, 533 00:20:25,810 --> 00:20:28,310 and, uh... it's all paid for 534 00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,310 and I'd like you to go. 535 00:20:30,310 --> 00:20:31,810 With Joe?! 536 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:37,820 No. With Steve. 537 00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,320 Oh. 538 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,320 Oh, no. 539 00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,330 You'll really love it. 540 00:20:43,330 --> 00:20:44,830 I mean, it's not a big old set of... 541 00:20:44,830 --> 00:20:47,330 but it's good. 542 00:20:47,330 --> 00:20:50,830 Oh, Helen, you're the best friend I ever had. 543 00:20:50,830 --> 00:20:53,340 Hey, where's my little gal? 544 00:20:53,340 --> 00:20:54,340 Come here, honey. 545 00:20:55,340 --> 00:20:56,840 Everything's going to be okay. 546 00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:57,840 You bet it is. 547 00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:00,340 Helen just gave us a weekend in Vermont. 548 00:21:00,340 --> 00:21:01,340 Wow. That's great. 549 00:21:01,340 --> 00:21:02,850 You know, they have a dog track up there. 550 00:21:04,850 --> 00:21:05,850 I want you guys to know something. 551 00:21:05,850 --> 00:21:07,350 You really showed some class here tonight, 552 00:21:07,350 --> 00:21:08,850 and I'm glad you did, 553 00:21:09,350 --> 00:21:11,850 because we were thinking about getting back at you. 554 00:21:11,850 --> 00:21:13,860 And believe me, it wouldn't have been pretty. 555 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:15,360 STEVE: Yeah. We were going 556 00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:18,360 to leave town without saying good-bye. 557 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,360 What? 558 00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:22,360 You're leaving? 559 00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:23,370 Yeah. Tomorrow. 560 00:21:23,870 --> 00:21:26,870 We just rented the place for the month. 561 00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:31,370 But-but-but the-the... my money... 562 00:21:31,370 --> 00:21:33,380 (blubbering): Mmm. Mmm. 563 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:37,380 BARBARA: Well, I hate long good-byes. 564 00:21:37,380 --> 00:21:38,880 See you, folks. 565 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:40,380 Yeah. We'll miss you. 566 00:21:41,380 --> 00:21:42,380 Oh. 567 00:21:42,380 --> 00:21:43,890 For the trip. 568 00:21:45,390 --> 00:21:46,890 You know what? 569 00:21:46,890 --> 00:21:48,390 I'm through with being stepped on by those people. 570 00:21:48,390 --> 00:21:49,890 I'm not letting them get away with this. 571 00:21:49,890 --> 00:21:51,390 Hey! 572 00:21:51,890 --> 00:21:52,890 When you're done with those Krispies, 573 00:21:52,890 --> 00:21:54,900 we want that plate back! 574 00:22:05,410 --> 00:22:06,410 ( doorbell ringing ) 575 00:22:06,410 --> 00:22:08,410 I'll get it. 576 00:22:12,410 --> 00:22:14,420 Hi, we're your new neighbors. 577 00:22:14,420 --> 00:22:16,920 We just moved in next door, and... 578 00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:18,420 Helen, have you 579 00:22:18,420 --> 00:22:20,420 learned nothing from our experience? 580 00:22:22,420 --> 00:22:25,930 Mmm. 581 00:22:27,430 --> 00:22:29,930 That's better, honey.